2:17pm and i’m drinking…the burn, the burn… taking me away from the gut punching panic attacks of realization that she’s leaving and she’s leaving soon…
i’m skimming the surfaces of my life, but deep breathing only gets you so far. i’m a ball of panic, trying to avoid that dark pain and time rolls along happily while it drags me through the grey…
never have enough time. time to feel every second, every tick tock, every life moment… can i hold onto an atom of you? can i tuck it in the grey matter inside my head for safe keeping? wrap it up in heart muscle and pump its remnants through me?
i say goodbye every day. to you. to my brothers and sisters. and it’s killing me.
i keep waking up. i keep having to get dressed and head to the train to maneuver through the hell that is nyc. the heartless, the dirty, the wanting, the indifference, the manic, the strung out, the clean child eyes ready for life.. and i am done.
done with it.
can they cauterize my life? my feelings? my thinking? like the blood vessel silver nitrate burned the ends of to stop me from leaking?
i am back in 1st grade. i cry when you leave me at the school because i think i’ll never see you again. the nun gives me pencils to hand out to distract me and it works.
but no amount of distractions, new job, crocheting, coloring, painting, reading, eating, walking, sleeping, exercising, hating, loving, laughing, crying, anger, peace, sadness, silly, can stop me from falling into this dark painful abyss when the light of my life goes out.
will i get to be an old lady, thin dribble of spit at the corners of my mouth, thinking about how the love of my life was really you?
green eyes. i am your child. i am not always good. but the aura of beautiful that is your soul will always guide me to try to be better…
and are we all crying in our separate compartments on this planet? are we picking out the funeral mass clothes and shoes, and facial expressions? are we holding onto, “maybe one more year?” are we past the arguments, the blows to ego, the nasty words uttered?
me. i’m drinking hanging on to the mantra of ” keep passing the open windows” because all i want to do is jump and hope i can fly away to where you’ll be.
it’s not easy to fall apart when you have to get up to make coffee, breakfast before you head to work… you have to tuck those tears away until you find the time in between all the fucken chores and bills, and bathroom breaks, and eating, and writing and drinking… is done.
you’re not gone but i’ve been falling apart for 56 years. right out the womb, i cried knowing i’d lose you one day… i’m’ still not ready…. never never never will be…