it’s currently snowing here in the bronx. it’s gray and cold. and i just cleaned my salted car with waterless car wash made by the chemical guys and that stuff works great and saves me from having to move my car to drive to a carwash. and now it’s fucken snowing. ah. well.
it is my day off. a day away from what has become a stressful commute to and from work. fare evaders, incessant loud phone conversations in english and Spanish, and fat coated folk -bags swinging-backpacks smacking everything in the path to an empty seat…weed smoke fumes perfuming the air, vapey methol, fighting for it’s 15 minutes… i see the teary eyed woman with the angry man, i hear the smack of a little boy’s head against the seat pole ’cause mom has had enough, i hear the racist rant of an alcoholic bounce off the trans person sitting quietly with eyes fixed ahead, i cringe as the elderly woman -oxygen in tow – gets reemed for no good reason at all… then it’s to work. i leave the bus people behind and enter a world full of the strung out, excuse making, outright lying, too long bathroom sessions, stolen toilet paper, stolen books, angry women with orange eyebrows muttering bitch bitch bitch, older gentleman carrying a cushion of urine smell coming from his body – i hold my breath when he asks for help…
do i pay the extra 100 for monthly parking? do i chance street parking and hope dings, scratches, missing catalytic converters and tires skip my car…do i, do i?
i’m trying but urban librarianship – like really really urban- is slowly killing my soul. my mantra has become, “I can’t wait to retire”. there is only so much i can do for people. how do i keep my mind clean? headspace can only do so much.
i want to help. i want to be able to get people what they need. but the red tape is massive…like it’s a fucken big fat roll of red 3 inch wide painter’s tape…why. why. why…is it so hard to beat: hunger, drugs, meanness, mental illness, greed?
there are so many resources in this world? how does an elderly woman end up at a homeless shelter?
this haunts me.
solitude, having my own space – this saves my mind. no children, no significant other – thank god.
